BlogMay 19, 2005 2:19 PM ET

breast implants

We were recently discussing Jessica Simpson and the evidence (here) that suggests she got breast implants, and I just wanted to say something about breast implants. If you're a woman and considering implants, reconsider. According to my own anecdotal studies, 7 out of 10 times, it's the wrong decision.

I won't even bother discussing the untoward impact of implants on one's health. There are myriad studies, lawsuits, reports, etc. highlighting the fact that they are generally harmful. I'd much rather discuss the social ramifications of breast augmentation.

Let me first say that there are perfectly valid reasons to get implants, such as breast cancer surgery. Also, if a female's lack of a chest is ruining her life (severe depression, etc.), then she should go for it. In such instances, the immediate benefits outweigh any potential long-term side effects. It's not that implants are wrong per se, it's just that the implementation of these implants is seldom executed properly, thus rendering the entire notion dubious.

There are many women out there who think that all men like big breasts. The bigger the better, right? Wrong. While a few guys out there might salivate over huge, balloon-like double-Ds, most do not. Personally, they do nothing for me. I'd take natural Bs over fake Ds any day of the week. If your breasts do not move, or stick straight out, or look like they are ready to explode, then you've fucked up. Contrary to popular belief, natural and attractive female breasts are not totally immune to gravity. If you try to defy nature, you are no longer natural, and ultimately, you've done yourself a disservice.

Now let's say, for whatever reason, you decide to get implants. Don't go overboard. Read that sentence again like four times. Tara Reid is a perfect example of this. She made a bad decision, and now she's total garbage. She's not helping her acting career either. Is anyone going to take her seriously now? No. That's why she just got hired by E! to do that Wild On! show. Nice career move, dumbass. Meanwhile, Pamela Anderson is not attractive. Her chest is freakish. Once a female gets surgery, there will need to be additional surgery, and twenty years later their chest area is a warzone. Not good. If you are an A, go to a B. If you are a B, go to a C. Subtle enhancements are much more effective than the dramatic, over-the-top surgery most women seem to opt for. I don't get it.


Post Comment
lptrawk_ 5/19/2005 11:24:02 AM

agleed, first post!!

hxcobd_ 5/19/2005 11:38:37 AM

*starts slow clap*

alex_ 5/19/2005 11:40:37 AM


Tima_ 5/19/2005 11:48:05 AM


horsecow162_ 5/19/2005 11:51:36 AM

i <3 boobs. big, small, real, fake, whatever...more to play with.

din_ 5/19/2005 12:12:39 PM

aglee w/ blog

frenetic_amnesic_ 5/19/2005 1:09:42 PM

my thread sparked a blog! do i get a prize? anyways...i fully agree. natural, perky b's are better than gigantic fake balloon d's.

Azulao_ 5/19/2005 2:35:21 PM

As with most things in life, moderation and subtlety is key. Full-out implants give chicks too much of that Jenna Jameson appeal, while a nice little lift-round-out implant can do so much more for a girl's profile. Naturals are the best obviously, when they're nice...

Mike_ 5/19/2005 3:09:07 PM

Tara Reid is dating Tommy Lee now. Once she makes a video, her career will skyrocket.

eaglesbecomevultures_ 5/19/2005 4:58:30 PM

"Hey, I'd fck Pamela Anderson." - Dude with tribal tat.

Tommy Lee_ 5/19/2005 4:59:13 PM

"Yo bro, like Pamela is the hottest bitch ever, dude. You see her t-ts? They're huge and shit."

bolognapony_ 5/19/2005 6:53:19 PM

Howard Stern had 3 bimbos on the other day. They had to be the first to puke on this guy to win breast implants. Anyway, the plastic surgeon was on the phone and he said smaller cup implants were becoming very popular. Maybe there's room for optimism.

XpirateX_ 5/20/2005 2:37:35 PM

Maybe it's just me, but it seems Lambgoat is maybe not the best place for a serious article written for women.

StreetForce_ 5/20/2005 4:04:02 PM

they're real if you can touch 'em

a_new_religion_ 5/21/2005 8:41:06 PM

this blog will get you laid.

jexxxica_ 5/21/2005 11:31:18 PM

pam is hot.

cactus_ 5/25/2005 12:33:51 PM


Hitlers_Tiny_Moustache_ 5/29/2005 2:35:05 PM

hey webmaster youre a gay ill beat your ass motherfcker ban me i dare you

despairismymuse_ 6/1/2005 5:56:28 AM

LAMBGOAT hardcore//metal//niptuck

DEADFORWEEKS_ 6/2/2005 7:21:31 PM

How the fck are you suppose to breastfeed your malformed infant if your size A cups are implemented with three layers of fcking rubber? Good luck getting through the silicones young one.

generic_gimmick_ 6/10/2005 4:47:43 PM

Breast implants are for strippers and hookers. They should be considered professional tools (like Brener *zing*). However, I do have a friend who had great natural t-ts, but she lost 20lbs. and they started lookin like deflated balloons, so her husband paid to get them blown back up. Understandable if you ask me, he just wanted the boobs he married back.