BlogMay 26, 2004 3:51 PM ET

the one place you really don't want a tick

How does one get a tick on their testicles? I have no idea, but it happened to me when I was about twelve years-old. No, I wasn't doing naked push-ups in a field of unmowed grass. And no, I wasn't attempting to impregnate a rabbit. I had actually returned from the public swimming pool and was removing my bathing suit when I noticed a black thing down there. I thought it was debris of some sort and attempted to brush it away. It didn't budge. Upon closer inspection, it was obvious that I had become host to tick. He was already swollen and apparently feeding away. What was he after? Sperm? What could he hope to accomplish down there? Who cares. I wanted the thing off me. I had known enough though to not just rip it out. I did what any confused kid does, I asked my mom. I don't recall how I told her, but I'm sure it went something like this - "Mom, I have a tick on my balls." In any case, she checked it out (insert joke here), and was all panicked since it was already embedded and stuff. She was concerned that improper removal could result in sterility or something dramatic like that.

Next thing you know I'm in the car with my dad on the way to the emergency room. Awesome. After all of these years I can't remember how long I had to sit in the emergency room with a tick on my testicles, but I don't think I was there too long. If this were an episode of ER, it would have gone like this:

Dad: Excuse me nurse, we have a situation here.

Nurse: What's going on?

Dad: My son has a tick on his testicles.

Nurse: Oh my god!

[loudspeaker: paging Dr. Gringus... Dr. Gringus, report to ER immediately]

Nurse: Let me have a look. [jumps back in horror]

Dr. Gringus: Jesus Nancy, get me vaseline and tweezers... stat!

Nurse: Ok, you're going to feel a pinch.

[I pass out...]

Alright, so I know it didn't happen like that. I do remember laying on my back though with my pants down as several medical people hovered over my genital area. It was great. They got the thing out somehow and I was quickly released with a smile. I'm sure I went home and played with LEGOs afterwards or something stupid like that.


18 comments

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society_ 5/26/2004 1:02:02 PM

ticks + nuts = love

the_pope_ 5/26/2004 1:13:13 PM

After a good de-ticking of my sack, i always go straight for the Lego monorail. nothing better. excellent choice, young alex.

wannabe_ 5/26/2004 1:40:57 PM

i love you

john_doe_ 5/26/2004 1:46:05 PM

better it be your scrotum, than if you were a girl and on your vag.

erwhuntle_ 5/26/2004 2:14:42 PM

obviously you didn't grow up in south eastern oklahoma. you pansy!!!! i had ticks on my balls on a regular basis, AND I LEARNED TO LIKE IT. we just picked 'em off and fried 'em up. mmm. good eatin'.

crap_ 5/26/2004 2:34:39 PM

been there done that

evil hero_ 5/26/2004 3:05:57 PM

i said it before... i love this blog

john_doe_ 5/26/2004 3:36:27 PM

hahaha. i loled at erwhuntle's reply.

boner from growing pains_ 5/26/2004 3:54:35 PM

once again....nice work....truly unbelievable. i am im awe and i am liking the blog more and more. you should win a newberry prize or have a column in the new york times or somethin.

ugly old guy_ 5/26/2004 4:08:38 PM

is it weird that this turned me on?

dr. smith_ 5/26/2004 4:34:09 PM

at least it wasn't a deer tick

hass_ 5/26/2004 4:42:27 PM

that is truly an amazing story, guy.

SHAT_ 5/27/2004 1:53:10 PM

hahahahah, this shit reminds me of old school jack handey shit on snl

portal_ 5/27/2004 6:26:58 PM

wow.just wow

mizzi_ 5/28/2004 9:34:12 AM

cute...

the pancake man_ 5/28/2004 10:06:38 AM

I wasn't sure how I was gonna like the blog, but turns out it is thoroughly entertaining. Let's make a deal though: limit yourself to one "scortum-related" blon entry per month, and make sure you keep us updating on the kid across the street. I'm definitely seeing some "American Beauty" potential here...

Al The Killer_ 5/29/2004 9:48:08 PM

You should try and grow up in Australia, we have ticks as big as cats

deadwithfear_ 6/5/2004 8:30:51 PM

holy fcking ass+