BlogJune 15, 2004 2:50 PM ET

the time i shit my pants

About two years ago some friends and I planned a weekend trip to Baltimore harbor. We were to stay in a hotel adjacent to the harbor for one night, then meet up with two other friends who were boating into the harbor. On the second night we would sleep on their boat, which had a nice-sized cabin. It was like a $100K boat, so to clear up any misconceptions, we would not ditch a hotel for a canoe.

So we left PA early on a Friday afternoon. Directly before we left, I felt the urge to go to the bathroom, but we were running late, so I figured I'd just take care of it upon arrival in Baltimore. No big deal. It's not that I take long to go or anything, in fact I'm rather speedy. It's just that I generally have no problem holding things in until an opportune time presents itself. So we depart in a flash and drive for about nearly two hours before trouble starts. Not bowel trouble, but engine trouble. As I'm driving 70 MPH down the highway, the engine literally shuts off. I coast to the side of the road and the battery works, but no engine. I call AAA and after spending 10 minutes trying to describe my position (there were no signs around or anything and we had no clue where we were), some state highway worker arrives. He popped the hood and said the timing belt needed to be replaced. In other words, the car needed to be towed to a garage. Great. Knowing it would be difficult to get the car fixed that evening, we opted to rent a car. Time was running out as it was close to 5 PM, so we didn't have much time to rent a car before places started closing down. As I rode in the tow truck en-route to the closest rental place, I again suppressed a slight urge to defecate.

So about an hour later, the car's sitting at a garage and we're back on the road to Baltimore, this time in a timid Dodge Neon. Yeah! Not long after we arrive at the nice, towering hotel, and get settled. We were going to go down to the harbor and check stuff out. Before we left I finally decided to relieve myself. Unfortunately, I could not. Sadly, constipation had somehow set in. Unbelievable. There are very few things in life that bug me, but constipation is one of them. I tried harder. No go. Damn. This was going to stress me out. I'd be walking around the inner harbor obsessed with the fact that I couldn't shit. -- "Hi, pretty lady, how are you? I'm constipated!"... "This aquarium is great. I wonder if sharks get constipated?"... "I'm going to eat that tasty looking burger. I wonder how long it will sit in my intestines."

So I did what any desperate person would do: I purchased some Exlax. I took the recommended dosage and we did the usual harbor bullshit. We went out to dinner. Walked around. Had a beer. So once we got back to the room for the night, I tried again. Still no luck. Ok, I'll sleep on it and let the Exlax do it's magic. So I went to bed, and had an uneventful sleep. I woke up and tried yet again. Nothing. Damn. Oh well, yet another day thinking about this. I barely ate breakfast because I was weary about shoving anything else into my body at this point. We went to the aquarium and did some bullshit shopping until meeting up with the boat people in the afternoon. We checked out of the hotel room and went out to dinner. At this point I was really hungry and ate a ton. Screw it. I'm not going to starve. I figured I needed more firepower though, so I popped a double-dose of Exlax at dinner while nobody was looking. After dinner we walked around and watched some street performers. Oddly, I had no urge to go to the bathroom whatsoever at that point. We walked back to the docks and sat on the boat talking, etc. We really didn't do much, actually, and it was rather boring. At about midnight everybody went to sleep.

The boat layout consisted of a huge bed on one end of the cabin, and another bed on the other end. In between them was the bathroom and kitchen. These bathrooms are NOT impressive. It's like a really tight area with a tiny toilet bowl. When you flush, you hit some button that sucks the bowl contents out. There's no fan either. Not a comforting place at all. I was not going to unload there when the urge struck, no way. So, all night, as I woke up five different times with a major urge to shit, I hung tight, figuring I'd go first thing in the morning at any bathroom other than this boat one. Two of the people on this boat were females that I didn't know well, and I didn't want this cloud hanging over my head. If it were all close, guy friends, I'd shit in the sink. It wouldn't matter. But this was different. I was going to great lengths to preserve some sort of dignity.

Finally, at 6 AM, I woke up and had to go so badly that I couldn't even lie down anymore. I got up quickly and exited the boat. I scurried down the dock plotting my next move. The sun was up, but there was nobody around. I decided to start walking, ready to run into any open establishment to relieve myself. Unfortunately, this early on a Sunday morning nothing was open. The inner-harbor is set up like a huge square (picture), with the water in the middle, and stuff all around it. I walked from one corner of the "square" to the other, which is probably about half a mile. Not one damn place to go. There were a few joggers here and there, but not even a policeman I could turn to for assistance. I turned around to head back to the boat. By this time I was walking like an old man, trying to maintain my composure, yet not relaxing out of fear. I was definitely starting to panic. My pace quickened. I started to sweat. About halfway back to the docks I was literally pondering jumping into the harbor and shitting underwater. It was that bad. Nearly two hundred yards from the dock area I felt things starting to happen and rushed over towards a playground area just off to my right. I sat down on a bench, hoping to forcefully suppress things. I looked over and not ten yards away there was a homeless dude staring at me intently, likely aware that something was going on. At this exact moment I couldn't hold it any longer. There was moderate escapage. Motherfucker. Goddamnit. I can't believe this is happening. Thirty seconds later, in shock, still unsatisfied, though no longer in pain, I got up and checked my clothes for evidence of bowel betrayal. Nothing. Ok. I stumbled slowly toward the docks, careful not to look back at the homeless guy.

As I got back onto the boat I still had to go badly, plus I needed a shower and new clothes. I didn't want to walk into the tight cabin, as I smelled like sewage plant. I leaned in the cabin and whispered to the boat owner that I needed to shower, did he have any ideas? He's like "yeah dude, when we docked here and paid for it, we were given use of their bathroom and shower facilities. The key is up next to the sink. There's soap in the cabinet if you need some." I nearly yelled. What did he just say?! There was a fucking bathroom right next door that I could have used the whole time?!!!? Just then one of the females started to stir so I made a hasty exit, not forgetting to grab some new clothes and the soap.

I entered the bathroom, threw down everything, and shit my brains out for five minutes. It was rather surreal. There were people milling about and I didn't care at that point. Finally, I'm empty. I wanted to scream in a Mel Gibson/William Wallace kind of way - "Freeeedoommm!!!!!!!!" I now had to figure out how to get over to the shower and hide my ruined underwear and pants. I performed some acrobatic movements where I was able to throw everything into the trash can (including my favorite pants), and make it into the shower in less than five seconds. Nobody seemed to notice (however, the next person to throw something in the trash was in for a treat). I took a lengthy shower, cleaning everything like eight times. I got dressed and went back to the boat. Nobody knew a damn thing.


32 comments

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the pancake man_ 6/15/2004 12:26:29 PM

tlnr

prickly_pear_ 6/15/2004 12:28:37 PM

webmaster's stories rival mine! good stuff, boss

mizzi_ 6/15/2004 12:32:21 PM

unreal...

Aughtaperception_ 6/15/2004 12:33:16 PM

Wow! I haven't laughed that hard in a couple of weeks. You poor bastard. I remember the time I shit a little in my boxers. I burned them.

erwhuntle_ 6/15/2004 12:33:18 PM

good blog. i was loling a bit.

ghetto_paul_ 6/15/2004 12:33:55 PM

That was a truly epic story. I shit my pants when I was like 5, but it was because I couldn't undo the buckles on my overalls.

the_pope_ 6/15/2004 12:34:06 PM

I am telling you, you should have just waited for it to come naturally. i never mess around with that ex-lax. too many stories like this. you should have flopped that steamer in the middle of the playground, right on the slide.

john_doe_ 6/15/2004 12:45:53 PM

hahaha. shit stories are teh bets. epic indeed! first, never lose the window of opportunity. once it's gone, you're going to pay. as for constipation, sometimes just being in a new area makes you backed up. sorta like sleeping in a new place. it just doesn't work right initially. i remember i went to some band competition in disney world in high school for about a week, and i swear to you i didn't shit for 7 days until the night before we left. yes, i ate 7 days worth of food and felt horrible,

jesuschristsuperstar_ 6/15/2004 12:46:34 PM

"bowel betrayal" hahaha the name of my new death metal side project! i have to shit now.

Rob_ 6/15/2004 12:57:02 PM

damn Alex. that is the perfect story to read while listening to the new Clutch album.

incircles_ 6/15/2004 12:59:17 PM

wow, thats horrible. hopefully you learned your lesson with the exlax abuse!!

anonymous 6/15/2004 1:09:58 PM

well now everybody knows. i know some kid that went on this bullshit 4 day retreat to some woods in Canada. they couldn't really bring anything. nothing electronic, not even a wrist watch. they had to shit in the woods and wipe their asses with leaves, but this kid i know didn't shit the whole time.

amazing_larry_ 6/15/2004 1:15:38 PM

amazing. simply amazing.

froggman55_ 6/15/2004 1:21:39 PM

that is some funny shit....pun intended

renegade_ 6/15/2004 1:46:26 PM

Ha ha - very well-written. I love the blog.

ChemicallyImbalancedSloth_ 6/15/2004 1:48:50 PM

Oh man. "Hi, pretty lady, how are you? I'm constipated!"... "This aquarium is great. I wonder if sharks get constipated?"... "I'm going to eat that tasty looking burger. I wonder how long it will sit in my intestines." I LOLed at that.

pleasedie_ 6/15/2004 3:14:49 PM

no laugh ever

alcoholic_ 6/15/2004 4:26:51 PM

damn bro.... at least everything after the shitting your pants part worked out.

hawkin_ 6/15/2004 6:14:57 PM

to long no read

Big_E_ 6/15/2004 7:56:53 PM

wow... just wow

4Tay3lor5_ 6/16/2004 5:27:38 AM

funniest shit ive ever read... im not kidding

God_ 6/16/2004 7:19:44 AM

the only funny part was the YEAH! after the neon. i'm a hard laugh though. fun read.

hass_ 6/16/2004 8:05:56 AM

i remember when i was younger, i shat my pants, i couldn't hold it in anymore, started to sweat as i tried to find a bathroom, walked as if i had some sort of back problems, god that sucked ass. oh and... that is truly an amazing story, guy.

The_Drunken_Goat_ 6/16/2004 8:36:37 AM

That was fcking awesome. Thanks for keeping my interest.

mouse_ 6/16/2004 6:14:04 PM

tlnr

Crap_ 6/17/2004 3:50:55 AM

I <3 this blog

watchingufukthruawindow_ 6/18/2004 1:49:45 AM

the whole, that if you were with close friends. you would've shit in the sink is beyond true. being that friends of mine actually have shit in the sink.

whence_ 6/19/2004 7:53:57 PM

thats nothing- i once shit myself while laughing really hard with my friends. also, i shit myself at band practice- i didn't find out till after practice when my butt was itching. i thought i had just farted at practiced, but some juice came out as well.

el duderino_ 6/23/2004 11:27:27 PM

there is no such thing as farting when you have diarreah. i found out the hard way.

generic_gimmick_ 6/26/2004 10:44:14 AM

"Nobody knew a damn thing." ...til I posted the whole story on the web.

Anna_ 1/19/2010 1:42:32 PM

Best thing I've read in a while.

anonymous 6/3/2013 2:59:52 PM

I remember waking in the middle with uncontrollable spasms. I ran for the bathroom,but no luck. Halfway down the hall, my colon started jetting a high pressure stream of foulness all over the floor