BlogJune 6, 2004 8:51 PM ET

swarm of the Mennonites

Well yesterday was our neighborhood's designated garage sale/yard sale day. I was never the type to go to other people's garage sales, so I wasn't sure what to expect. Essentially, there were hundreds of people milling about. Almost all of them were Mennonites. I'm not sure what that means technically, but they're about halfway between Amish and normal. All of the women wear those caps and dress in 19th century clothing. I obviously don't know what these people are about, but I'm sure they don't surf the Internet, so I'm not worried about offending any Mennonite hardcore dudes.

Anyway, these people live for yard sales. They're like machines. They all drive big black vans. And only the females participate in the yard sale thing. So invariably, they roll up, and a mother with four daughters hops out. All of the kids are dressed just like their mother. They waste no time in picking through your stuff. They aren't shy, yet they aren't personable either. They know what they want. Baby clothes, used sheets, whatever. They're all worker ants in some yard sale ant farm from hell. Two minutes later, they're gone. And me, sitting there half asleep, wonders if it ever really happened.

Ok, enough about Mennonites. I sold some mattresses and wicker furniture and made about $100 all together. I still couldn't get rid of most of the shit I wanted to though. Now I can't decide if I should just throw it all away, or save it until the next garage sale. Does anybody want an unopened set of cutlery, or some Norman Rockwell mugs?


20 comments

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God_ 6/6/2004 6:20:22 PM

oddly enough i once was helping my sister host a rummage sale and i experienced something similiar... they opened up the van and all these tiny imigrant kids came crawling out. they all went nuts, bought nothing, and when back in their van within a matter of minutes. this story sucks.

the_pope_ 6/6/2004 8:54:11 PM

most of the garage sales around here are usually religious-subculture free. but, invariably there are always the rednecks. nothing like Jethro and Nadene rolling up in the El Camino and staggering out as the budweiser cans and diaper containers pour out, only to have them come but your used jeans and your children's onesey's. It is the American Dream.

Sekio_ 6/6/2004 9:16:16 PM

Check your email Webmaster.

Ex-xstraightedgex_ 6/6/2004 10:36:48 PM

Let it be, my love for her, considered, as to be a sin. As I confess my guilt to her. While I hold her, caressing her bosoms with one hand and with the other her cl*ts, I kiss her and place my tongue on her skin. With her back turned against me, my phallic is placed deep in her rectum. This love is for her as it is adultery under many laws and religions. Her climax turns my erection into ejaculation, but not before she spreads her legs open and I commence to drive my phallic in her crease.

erwhuntle_ 6/7/2004 7:12:17 AM

garage sales rule. especially neighborhood designated ones. just walking around the block stopping...finding decanters and weird bottles...that's what i'm about.

the pancake man_ 6/7/2004 8:53:03 AM

to the idiot who "commented" with very poorly written fun crap, phallic is a verb, phallus is the noun you fcking retard as for yard sales, I haven't been in years. I used to go only because I always hoped some stupid old woman would be selling her kids' old baseball cards and I'd get them from her for nothing, but that never happened, so I just said fck it and stopped going to them.

Big_E_ 6/7/2004 10:16:35 AM

name a price for the cutlery, and the mugs and we will talk.

wannabe_ 6/7/2004 10:38:36 AM

fck y'all

john_doe_ 6/7/2004 1:15:53 PM

is that cutlery set the ginsu 2000? because, i really need something for cutting aluminum cans, sawing off chips of a hammer-head, and resisting the pressures of a vice. none of that chopping food shit.

Sekio_ 6/7/2004 1:22:21 PM

I've already got dibs on the cutlery.

ugly old guy_ 6/7/2004 7:57:09 PM

i think i'm going to become a mennonite just so i can start a mennonite hardcore band

jesuschristsuperstar_ 6/7/2004 9:48:04 PM

"I sold some mattresses and wicker furniture..." i think you just came out of the closet.

at_dawn_they_come_ 6/8/2004 6:44:32 PM

this blog makes the new lambgoat at least 50x better than the old lambgoat

Sulfurfreak_ 6/9/2004 12:28:23 AM

I also don't know why he used Phallus and crease... if he knew what he was talkin about he would probably have said Yonic... oh well, this is lambgoat, knowledge is optional, talking is not

no_cool_names_left_ 6/9/2004 2:48:46 AM

I went to hellfest in 2001, and there was an "amish hardcore band" there selling cd's in the parking lot.

ugly old guy_ 6/9/2004 3:55:20 AM

me and a bunch of my friends used to live in walla walla washington. i was the first to move away though, and then they all followed and moved to the same town. but anyways, after i left my friends saw this punk band that was like flogging molly type stuff i guess, but they dressed up like amish people and they had 3 members who just churned butter the whole time, and danced around their butter churners. thats one of the best ideas ever

wannabe_ 6/9/2004 9:10:28 AM

churning butter?!?! that's seriously the funniest fcking thing i've heard in ages

fuk_ 6/11/2004 11:42:38 AM

you cant be hardcore and amish. its a paradox. by mENnon.

Ebb_ 6/14/2004 8:32:12 AM

I went to school with a couple mennonites. Most didn't even know they were. I don't think they have anything against the internet. The girl mennonite from school that I knew I think married a dot-commer (seriously), all I know is she has a dump load of money (couple millionish), and gave her best friend like $10 as a wedding gift. It didn't even cover the cost of their plates of food! That's just straight up wrong!

switchblade.approach_ 11/16/2004 6:03:32 PM

hate to be a quim, but the guy who corrected the fun guys language was wrong. phallic isn't a verb. a verb is a doing word, such as run, or come. ie to run, to c-m, to fight etc. i wouldnt say today im going to phallic. phallic is an adjective. ie the phallic doughnut. im not sure who im embarassed for here. the original phallic who wrote the shit, the correctee, or myself. i'll let this terrible faux pas go. just learn english you fcking spastics.